SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
  FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
  SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
  FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
  ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
  SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
  FAULT:   Glass empty.
  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
  SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
  FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
  ACTION:  Have yourself leashed to bar.
  SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
  FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
  ACTION:  See above.
  SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
  FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
  ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
  SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
  FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
  SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
  FAULT:   You are being carried out.
  ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
  SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
  FAULT:   Bar has closed.
  ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.
  SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
  FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
  ACTION:  Cover mouth.
  SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
  FAULT:   You are dancing on the table.
  ACTION:  Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
  SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
  FAULT:   It's water.  Somebody is trying to sober you up.
  ACTION:  Punch him.
  SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
  FAULT:   You have been in a fight.
  ACTION:  Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
  SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
  FAULT:   You've wandered into the wrong party.
  ACTION:  See if they have free beer.
  SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
  FAULT:   The beer is too weak.
  ACTION:  Have more beer until your voice improves.
  SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
  FAULT:   Beer is just right.
  ACTION:  Play air guitar.




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